The World According to Laura

2004-04-28T19:20:00.000-07:00

The Truth About "Pikers"

Incase you've never had the occasion to SELL for a living, you may not know what a piker is. A piker, in short, is someone that is constantly "window shopping", yet they never seem to pull out that shiny credit card and make the commitment. They are the textbook definition of MAYBE. As in, "Maybe I'll buy your product or service, but probably I won't."

Five Sure Ways to know a Piker When You See One:

5. Pikers ALWAYS promise future projects if you give them freebies now
4. Pikers feel that they are somehow special and should not have to pay for anything
3. Pikers are always offering to connect you to their vast circle of wealthy friends, yet those friends never seem to materialize.
2. Pikers have no problem delivering no value for you, while simultaneously wondering why you've done so little for them since they are such a valuable "client"
1. Pikers often masquerade as "Partners" (yet they bring nothing to the table)

How to Force Pikers to Swim back down stream, where they belong.

5. Pull out a contract. Pikers will flee from a contract in the same way a vampire will bury his face in his cape when he sees a cross.
4. Ask for a 50% deposit. Pikers don't have any money or at the very least have no intention of spending any of their money so requesting a deposit will make them run for the hills.
3. Let them know that you graduated from college several years ago and won't be able to do the project for free since you can't get college credit for an Internship anymore.
2. Ask them how they can afford to buy $600. shoes, yet, can't afford to pay you $2,000. to save them one million. That seems to be pretty straight-forward value proposition, but it is tough to push the buttons on a calculator if you've got fins or webbed feet, so maybe the piker couldn't do the math.
1. Let the "potential client" know that like many professionals, you require full payment, in advance, and you take VISA, MasterCard, American Express, Diner's Club, Discover Card, Macy's Charge, and a whole host of other credit cards.

Avoid the nightmare that is swimming with the pikers, by only dealing with clients that HAVE money, ARE NOT AFRAID TO SPEND IT!!! and see the value of the service you are providing.

2004-04-16T20:22:00.000-07:00

The Lies About Advertising

My new favorite lying ad is one for Jeep, where they write fictionalization in the bottom left hand side of the TV screen. Usually they just say. Closed course. Do not Attempt. Professional Driver. And my other favorite is one I saw where the car actually JUMPED through the living room window and another where it HIDES upside down, hanging like a bat, from the inside of a train tunnel. I hate to say it, but It's JUST a car!!

2004-04-16T19:33:00.000-07:00

THE APPRENTICE

Money Money Money Money...........M*O*N*E*Y!!!
Okay, I admit it. I started watching it a few weeks ago and I LIKE IT. The Donald does have his charms. And "You're FIRED" is this season's "Show me the MONEY." Oh, yes, now I remember why I was writing this. It's all about the MONEY. I'm glad Bill won last night. He had the killer instinct in the Board Room and that made me happy. You've gotta WANT it. Let's face it. Kwame is gonna be okay. Harvard MBA. Sweet as a lamb. GQ looks. Don't Kry for Kwame. He'll be fine. I can only hope that Omarosa, (this season's RuPaul) gets picked up for stealing some cheap ass Revlon brick-house red lipstick in the year 2007. (Complete with grainy in-store camera images that clearly showing her stuffing it into her bag.)

Here's the part that bothers me. Some guy that got kicked off the show, long before I even started watching it, hands Trump a suitcase stuffed with $250,000. worth of CASH. There you go, somebody showed HIM the money!! He couldn't WIN the game, so he figured he'd just BUY his way in!!! And Trump actually said he'd think about it!!! More money than God, but another $250k never killed anyone!

I just find that SAD. This guy somehow musters $250k, and he's not CREATIVE or HARD-WORKING enough to START HIS OWN BUSINESS, he just wants to BUY his way onto the winning team. Now, I know these things probably happen all the time, but that just kind of depressed me. Here Bill is struggling through 13 weeks of silly-ass games to prove himself and Trump will consider giving someone else the same grand prize just because he pushes an aluminum briefcase across the table full of loot. Now, I don't expect that much from Trump, hell, I'm glad he gave me something to do on Thursday Nights aside from work, so I guess I don't blame him. But wouldn't it have been great if Trump, (did I mention Trump really doesn't NEED 250k?#@#) just looked this loser straight in the eye and said, "YOU CAN'T BUY YOU WAY IN FOR 250k!! Who the hell do you think you're talking to?!" But instead, Trump looks at the cash affectionately, breathes in the scent and says, "I'm seriously gonna think about it."

What a drag!! That ruined the whole show for me. I mean, I sat through JESSICA SIMPSON!! Have you HEARD Jessica Simpson?! I had seen her, which was bad enough. (Am I the only one on the planet old enough to remember Blair on Facts of Life?? That's what this girl looks like!!) And talent???